Writing my thoughts and emotions has always been the easiest way for me to try and ease my heart and soul. So as I pen this post I can only hope that maybe I can ease just a bit of what I am feeling.
A little over two weeks ago I lost my Dad. WOW! the enormity of these words. The idea that my heart truly knows it but my mind has yet to wrap around the reality of it. Over the course of the last two weeks my heart has had to remind my mind many times that he is no longer here.
It is amazing the range of emotions you run through when a person passes. Sorrow and pain being the most indescribable of those. Yet, anger has been at the foremost of my loss and of course most will say that is normal but my anger is not for the loss of my parent but more the ignorance of others.
It has never really ceased to amaze me that when a person passes away true colors of others will arise . I, of course as many others have seen it over and over with others who have lost loved ones. Fighting erupts between families over what is to gain, but the worse is to watch as grown adults act as if their grief is worse than someone else’s.The idea that grief is a competition is truly a despicable thing. When you lose someone whether it be your parent, spouse, grand parent, etc .. the loss is felt all the way around and as my stepmother has said it is felt deep by all those that feel it. My pain is no unbearable than hers, just different. But instead of families uniting, it often times just becomes ugly and often times causes huge rifts between families. I suppose that I had hoped that my Dad’s passing would be different, but again I suppose I knew that there would be a few that could not control themselves. I have been told over the course of the last two weeks that “NO one loved my Dad more than me” and just yesterday was told “I have no idea what grief is”. The sad part is that this is the only person from my Dad’s remaining family that has even called me. Yet, it wasn’t to say those much dreaded and now even hated words of “I’m sorry for your loss” or “He’s in a better place.” It was just to say mean and awful things and then to ask about some of my Dad’s personal belongings. Funny how family is supposed to be connected by blood, but in most cases that means nothing to many of them. Yet to my Dad that meant everything and that is why I have tried to keep calm and remain cool. I have bit my tongue and not lowered myself to someone else’s standards. I have remained the woman that my father wanted me to be.
Oh the list of things that have caused my anger could go on, but that would just not be becoming of me to keep sharing them. I will say that I have learned so many things, since my Dad has gone. Like for instance, you tell your spouse and children each and every single day how much you love them. Sometimes it is often said without regard, I mean you know you love them but we usually are just saying it. I personally, have learned that my spouse and children say it with meaning, as they have had to set aside their own grief to hold my hand as I maneuver through this pain. They each along with my mother, stepmother,and in-laws, have loved me, held me, and cried with me. And for days didn’t leave me alone. My stepmother, who has suffered a tremendous loss of her own and cried until her tears were dried up, has left her own grief to help me learn how to deal with mine.
I long to hear, just once more”I love you” from my Dad each day and am grateful that for just about every day of my single life I heard them. I am truly grateful that in my Dad’s illness he found a way to try and prepare me for what was to come next. I am comforted by no more sickness and no more pain. And honored that in the end I was there to watch as he crossed over into the next part of his journey. My Dad has finally figured out all the mysteries to the universe that he so desperately wanted to know.
Yet, the idea of not being able to hold my Dad’s hand, call him each and every day to discuss the days events, to have him here to watch as Poppop’s girl graduates in a few days, or to even see my daughter’s wed and give birth is just some time often too much for me to bear. I know that losing someone is never easy, and for me this is new because I have never had one hit so close to the heart. I know that in time I will feel better and I will continue to move on. I am just not sure that it will be today or tomorrow. All I can say is that in time it will not be so raw. I can only find comfort in the fact that I loved my Dad and he loved me. I say it is important though that we should take the time to tell the ones we love that we love them, because one minute they will be there and the next they may be gone. You may never have the opportunity again to tell them..